Why I stopped saying “I’m Sorry” and why you should too.

A few weeks ago I made a conscience effort to remove a certain phrase from my everyday language.  A phrase I noticed I was saying way too often. A phrase that instantly changed my attitude. A phrase that came with darkness.  A phrase that could turn my entire day upside down. That phrase is “I’m Sorry.”

The first reason I stopped saying this phrase was because I was saying it all.the.time. Some days it felt like I was saying it around the clock. It became my go-to, an almost automated response.  It easily became second nature for these words to just roll off my tongue.  The second and BIGGEST reason I stopped saying it was because I noticed, when I said it, whether I was truly guilty or not it brought this enormous weight of guilt upon me. A guilt that physically brought me down and broke me down.

If I am being perfectly honest I have been carrying around feelings of guilt for far too long-not just weeks or months, but I am talking YEARS!  I can remember being very little, maybe 5 or 6, and feeling guilty. I don’t know why, I just did.  Thinking back and reflecting on this new realization, I don’t know that I ever had feelings of being care-free, even as a young child.  As the years went on the guilt grew-not purposely, or intentionally by any means-I think I just grew up in a family where guilt was normal.  Something was always happening, there was always drama-combine that with the instability that occurred on an almost daily basis and that is the perfect concoction for a guilt filled childhood and adolescence. Not to mention the awkwardness of high school, the pressure of college, and then the reality of becoming a mom of not one, but 3 little boys certainly added to the guilty feelings.

Being on this latest path to working on and bettering me, and making sure that I am being taken care of includes not only my physical health but also my mental and emotional health I experience and feel on a daily/hourly/momentary basis. So for me, removing this simple, yet debilitating (to me) phrase has been crucial.  It is part of a conscience and willful effort each and every day that I make to remove all things toxic from my life. If it doesn’t bring me happiness, if it doesn’t uplift me, or if it isn’t constructive than I need to reevaluate having it in my life-even for something as simple as a phrase!  No longer saying “I’m sorry” has directly had an impact on lifting me up-mentally, emotionally, spiritually-in every way possible.  It has been a game changer for the way I live and move through my daily life!

Don’t get me wrong-there are times when it is definitely necessary to apologize to others-especially when you are the  one in the wrong. There’s something to be said for carefully and skillfully admitting when you are guilty and acknowledging your wrong doing.  That is a completely different topic-for another day. That’s NOT what this blog post is about.

This blog post is about letting go of the guilt for the little things.  The things and events that can’t be helped, or avoided, or rearranged, or planned for.  The things that in all honestly can’t fixed by you in any way, shape, or form. That is the stuff I want us to stop apologizing for. The office is out of creamer? Stuck in traffic because of an accident and now you are going to be late? Your kid takes his water in a mismatched re-usable water bottle because you ran out of water bottles? Missing a sports practice because in all honesty if you had to add one more thing to your plate that day your brain would have exploded? You ran out of diapers or shampoo or toothpaste, or soap, or even worse-toilet paper?  I know in our house there are 4 other sets of eyes and 4 other sets of hands using these same items that I do. I am not the only one who can acknowledge when we have used the last toilet paper roll, or the last squeeze of toothpaste and it is time to buy more.  It’s the little things like these. The events and things that can’t be helped, or avoided, yet they still happen.  Well guess what? It happens! it’s called life, and you don’t need to apologize for it! These little set-backs will continue to happen regardless if I take on the responsibility or carry the guilt for not keeping on top of the toilet paper roll count in our house! And that mismatched re-usable water bottle? It’s better for the environment than a plastic water bottle anyway-so good for you mom!

The past few weeks of working on me have truly been eye opening.

I know this is just the beginning of my journey, but I am already seeing a happier, lighter, healthier, calmer side to myself that I don’t think I have ever seen.

I love this experience and walk of life I am on right now.

I want to be the best that I can be for my children, for my husband, for all of those friends and family that we love so much.

I want to live life with a purpose. I want to be intentional in all that I do.

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Camping weekend

We just returned from what is probably my favorite weekend of the entire summer… our family camping weekend. We gather up most of our family on my husbands side, we head to our favorite campground, and we enjoy the entire weekend with eachother!  This year there was close to 30 of us and we enjoyed potato sack races, volleyball, hayrides, silly stories, and lots of smores! Yummy!! And let me tell you what… My husbands family is a family that KNOWS how to have fun. With them the party never stops- and I absolutely love it!

For me time spent with family is the most important and most rewarding time for my children- and ME!  I knew from a very young age family was an incredibly important thing to me.

A family who spends time together. A family who is silly together.           A family who laughs together.           A family who above all else loves eachother really, really well. 

I remember my childhood very, very clearly and I remember all the years spent as a little girl in a less than normal childhood wishing, hoping, and praying for something more for my children. For something different. For substance. For something real and genuine. It’s happening. It’s here. This is my life. And I feel so incredibly lucky that I get to live this with these people!! People who care, and laugh, and hug, and tell and show one another that they love them and will do anything for one another. People who put the needs of others above themselves.

And I am so gosh darn thankful that my children will never know a childhood like mine. I am so thankful that my children have amazing relationships with their aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins! I am so thankful that my children’s lives have more love and affection than they know what to do with and that makes my heart overflow with pure joy! As one of my FAVORITE IG’ers says #mycupberunningover

   
    
    
 

Our Trick or Treat

This year I ventured out for the first time in almost 5 years with our crew!

Yes-you heard me right.  We have not been trick or treating in FIVE YEARS!

I should probably preface this post by letting you know that when our oldest was about 3, he had a terrible and super scary experience trick or treating which has resulted in our 5 year trick or treat hiatus!

The poor kid was so afraid he wouldn’t even set foot in the costume store for a few years.

So, as a family-especially a family of 5- we have never really done the whole trick or treating thing.

To us it  has always just been another night at home….of course we bought goodies for our kids and put them in buckets but we never really had the effect of a full night of trick or treating.

But this year it happened-OH did it happen 🙂

Our oldest was finally brave enough to go into the costume store and not act like we were strangers trying to  abduct him by running for the nearest exit!

He was even brave enough to pick a scary costume this year and for the school parade/party both he and his brother let me do their makeup- zombie style!

I was beyond thrilled-my kids were finally enjoying Halloween and doing it in total boy fashion with blood, guts, and gore!

My #momofboys heart was over the moon!

I finally felt like we hit the point of no return. We were past the scared point and heading in the direction of so.much.FUN!

So Halloween came… I picked up our youngest from Preschool and my oldest two from after care and we headed for our house to prepare for a night of trick or treating!

Honestly I was still a little unsure if they were going to follow through on our plan of trick or treating-but I tried my best to not to let me apprehension show and let the night unfold as it did…

and honestly it could not have gone more perfectly!

Thankfully my aunt and uncle (really these two are my saviors! I wouldn’t be able to do half of what I actually do without them!) wanted to join in the fun so they met us at our house and came along for trick or treat.

Once everyone had eaten dinner, dressed in their costumes, and decided on more last minute zombie makeup rather than the actual masks that went with their costumes, and one more quick potty trip (of course!) we were on the road to our trick or treating adventure.

I must say…most days of being a mom are tiring, thankless days for sure but nights like our trick or treat make all those sticky, slimy, yukky, thankless moments WORTHWHILE!

Halloween night we had so much fun!!

ALL OF US!

In fact, I may have had more fun than the boys did!

They all did so good!

They’re boys so of course they were a little bouncy, runny, and jumpy-but for the most part it was a really great time-and thankfully I had extra hands to help me wrangle them.

No one let their fears take away their fun. They truly, truly enjoyed themselves…and as a mom you don’t want anything more for your kids than joy.

Since we haven’t ever really been trick or treating before this year I wasn’t too sure of the neighborhood and totally had this picture in my head of dark streets, dark houses, and my kids coming home with not one piece of candy!

Boy was I wrong!

Almost every other house on the street we were on participated and they were amazing!

From the lawn ornaments, to the lights and music, and the adults who were passing out candy-even in costumes too-it really made for a GREAT night!

The weather was extra chilly for Halloween and that combined with the excitement of my kids brought me right back to all of my chilly years trick or treating as a child.

I know, as a mom, life is crazy as all heck most times and getting three kids ready for trick or treat was certainly no picnic…

but seeing the looks and smiles on their faces and the pure JOY all.night.long made every single stressful second so worth it!

…and of course our kids came home with bags and bags of overflowing candy!

How was your family’s trick or treating??

I would LOVE to hear!

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And just like that…

And just like that I knew I would be okay.

This past summer and the last few weeks have been and continue to be one big ole’ blur.

Change upon change has been happening up in herr!!…and no-that is not a typo!

I have never done well with change, like ever!

In fact I stay away from it every chance I get!

Today I came across this verse and suddenly  I knew that this crazy, spinning, ever changing world my family and I have been living in is all for something.

One day it will stop spinning.

Until then, He has us.

The verse is:

Behold; I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness and in the desert…

the people whom I formed for myself that they may declare my praise.

Isaiah 43:19,21

These words spoke to me more than any other words have in weeks.

They are life changing.

I finally realized the reason why I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall….

because I am fighting a force greater than me.

Our God is an amazing God, and he created this path that my family and I are on.

All these changes and difficulties we are facing he already knew about!

He laid them before us, to make us stronger, and better.

He will make a way for us to get through this wilderness.

Which some days it can very well seem like we are trekking through an overgrown, unlit, desolate path.

I’m realizing that in those days, and moments, I really need to dig deep, and KNOW that He already has us.

He knows the path he has set before us.

When I am feeling withdrawn, without, and “woe is me” I know he will get me through the desert I am in.

He will provide, OH will He provide.

He has shown that time and time again.

Change is a good thing!

It has taken me almost 30 years to know, realize, and understand that.

While I don’t necessary like it, and I’m not welcoming it with open arms by any means, I am getting more and more used to it because I know without a doubt He’s got us!

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Family life these days…

It’s been a while since I have written about our family….

With back to school and the season changing from long, hot summer days to crisp, chilly, fall days I thought now would be the perfect time!

Our family is growing -no we are NOT pregnant!!

Let me repeat: WE ARE NOT PREGNANT!!

Let me explain…

As a family we are growing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and its all happening right before my eyes!

I finally feel like these three little people my husband and I created are the most self sufficient they have ever been.

All of that teaching, doting, raising up to this point is finally showing me just the kind of boy we are raising up to be men.

And that makes me one happy momma!

No more diapers.

My oldest two can now bathe themselves (with friendly mom reminders to actually use SOAP!)

My oldest now has weekly chores he is in charge of completing-and rewards when he does.

Ayden lost his first tooth.

Aaron is absolutely thriving and just loving his preschool so darn much!

Angel has really stepped up to the plate as big brother-especially with Aaron-asking him how his days at school have been, has he been making friends, etc.

My husband and I are the closest, spiritually, we have ever been!

Do you know how long I have prayed for that to happen-Soooo long!

But I am SO thankful we are finally where we are, spiritually, as a couple, and as a family.

I think all those years we spent in the trenches just “getting through” are finally coming to fruition!

And I have to say it feels great!

No, every day is not a picnic…

and everyday isn’t the best or happiest day

but I feel like I can finally say I am happy every day.

Not all day every day, but everyday something happens that makes me happy or reminds me how great our little life is!

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